By Anna Pecoraro, Psy.D., R.N. — Most people think of “self-esteem” in a positive way: feeling ‘good’ about yourself. How many times have we heard that self-esteem is vital to mental health? On the surface, it is. However, the idea of ‘self-esteem’ may be misleading and confusing. When I ask people about their self-esteem, frequently they tell me that they feel ‘good’ about themselves because of what they have done or accomplished in life, what their ‘titles’ are, and/or what people think of them. They think, “Because I have done_____, or I am _____, or I am married to ______, or people think _____ about me, I have worth as a human being . . .”
If you base your ‘self-esteem’ only on these things, what happens when bad things happen, such as facing a major failure or disappointment, losing your job, the death of your spouse, or a sudden and unwanted divorce? To those who base their perception of their human worth on achievement, titles, and social standing, etc., they experience a sudden and unpleasant plummeting of their ‘self-esteem.’ This often leads to anxiety, depression and even existential crises: “If I can’t do _____, or I am no longer _____, [or because I have done ______ ], why am I even here? What is my purpose in life?”
Depressed clients often say to me, “I am worthless.” When I ask what the evidence is of their ‘worthlessness,’ they cite significant failures or shortcomings in life. They are depressed because they largely base their idea of their worth on success and/or having never made major mistakes in life. Therefore, it is not surprising that some famous psychologists, such as Dr. Albert Ellis and Dr. Steve Johnson, have argued that ‘self-esteem’ is a fundamentally flawed concept.
So, is there a better way? Yes! For those who believe in Christ, it is better and healthier to base our ideas about our worth as human beings on the fact that God made us, and God wanted us from all eternity. (Jeramiah 1:5: “Before I formed you in the womb, I knew you.”) Christians believe that the Father sent his Son to die for us: “For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in Him shall not die, but have eternal life. (John 3:16)” If we were ‘junk,’ He certainly wouldn’t have done that! Because God made us in his image and likeness (Genesis 1:27: “God created mankind in his image; in the image of God he created them.”), we all have innate human dignity. There is no human being without innate dignity — no matter what they have done or failed to do. This is a deep concept.
Despite this, our families and society (perhaps unintentionally) train us to assign different values to ourselves and others, based on our achievements, paychecks, and the lack of having made major mistakes. The voice of pride tells us that we are worthy because we accomplished something or we have something, etc. However, the healing truth is humility: God is the creator, and we are the created. “Remain in me, as I remain in you. Just as a branch cannot bear fruit on its own unless it remains on the vine, so neither can you unless you remain in me. I am the vine, you are the branches. Whoever remains in me and I in him will bear much fruit, because without me you can do nothing (John 15:5-6).” When he was in prison, St. Paul wrote, “I have the strength for everything through him who empowers me (Philippians 4:13.)” Acknowledging that God is the creator and that He has given us good gifts—including an ability to work hard and achieve things—can set us free. If we believe this, when we achieve something or have something good happen, we thank God.
Many depressed people say, “I am worthless.” In fact, feelings of worthlessness are part of the official diagnostic criteria for depression in DSM5 (the official diagnostic manual of the American Psychiatric Association). However, those who believe in Christ understand that none of us can earn our human worth. This is impossible. Rather, our true worth is in Christ because only God is worthy. (Revelations 4:11. “Worthy are you, Lord our God, to receive glory and honor and power, for you created all things; because of your will they came to be and were created.”). To those who believe in Christ, a great entrepreneur, scientist or statesman is not ‘worth’ more than a homeless person.
In Christ, we are free to know and understand our strengths and weaknesses, unconditionally accept ourselves as beloved sons and daughters of God who are ‘works in progress,’ make positive changes in our behaviors and lives, and work on our growth and flourishing. All of this sets us free from the vicious cycle of feeling as though we came into the world without worth and must achieve and perform to justify our existence and/or earn some kind of ‘self-esteem’ or ‘self-worth.’ Instead, we can be free to exist, know, love, serve, thank, and praise God, achieve what is healthy for us to achieve, help others, and grow in virtue and love. All of this can be done in such a way that it is not about us, and we do not ‘need’ anything—except knowing that God made and loved us, our repentance, and our earnest attempts to change and do/be better—to feel ‘good’ about ourselves.
