Category: Self Help (Page 1 of 2)

Spiritual Direction at Integrity Counseling Services — White pebble stone on a sand

Which Do I Choose: Priest, Counselor, Therapist or Spiritual Director?

By Teri Love, MS — Friends and family members, even the ones who seem to “get” what a therapist does, often ask for clarification.

Can you prescribe medication? (No.) Can you work with all ages? (Yes.) Do you work with anxiety? (Yes.) Depression? (Yes.) Can you work with someone struggling with their faith or their sexuality or their grief? (Yes. Yes. Yes.) Okay, well . . . can I just talk to my priest? Or, what if I need spiritual direction?

These are good and valid questions, and it might be helpful for you or someone you know to learn the similarities and differences between pastoral counseling, therapy,and spiritual direction.

Pastoral Counseling
What it is: Guidance or help from a parish priest, deacon or other trusted professional within the Church. Pastoral counseling should be solution-oriented and limited in number (depending on the schedule of the priest). Perhaps ideally, pastoral counseling may be a bridge to more in-depth therapy or spiritual direction with a different type of professional.

My parish priest told me that parishioners sometimes seek help after things come up in Confession: anger, resentment, an inability to forgive someone, or addiction issues. He said when he detects an issue, he asks if the parishioner wants to deal with it. He may offer to sit down and talk but said, “I try not to do ongoing counseling because it doesn’t work out. The difference between a priest and a clinician is that pastoral counseling is free and I can’t do this five or six weeks in a row. I don’t have the liberty of time.”

The level of expertise a priest offers for spiritual direction or related goals depends on their experience, training and circumstances. Priests may obtain Masters’ level training or higher in therapy, or intentionally attend conferences on mental health to keep informed about parishioner concerns.

If you are unsure whether your priest is open to and available for pastoral counseling, call your parish office and ask!

Therapy
What it is: Therapy or professional counseling typically refers to treatment by a trained and licensed clinician. The clinician is qualified to help address concerns including trauma, grief, anxiety, adjustment, depression, relationship conflicts and addiction.

Often there is a cost — time and money — for this type of treatment. There is evidence from research that healing can happen in therapy.

Many therapists specialize and have additional expertise in treating certain mental health concerns. Be sure to ask about this when you look for a therapist. Also, the top indicator for positive outcome in therapy is your rapport with the therapist. It is important that your therapist has professional training — and it is important that you can develop trust and get along!

Know your goal for therapy. It can be as simple as “Decrease anxiety” or as complicated as “Work to forgive my parents.” When you are ready to call a therapist, ask any questions you have about qualifications, specializations, and cost.

Spiritual Direction
What it is: My priest defined spiritual direction as “help with your relationship with God.” Spiritual direction may share elements of both pastoral counseling and therapy but emphasis is on discerning God’s will and/or improving your prayer life.

For example, a person might see a spiritual director to learn daily prayer disciplines, virtue or more deeply grasp God’s role in their life.

Some priests offer formal and informal spiritual direction. There are also trained spiritual directors who schedule sessions and charge a fee. As with therapy, there is usually a clear goal and process for the sessions.

If you are unsure what type of help you are looking for, talk to your parish priest or call Integrity Counseling Services. Our qualified staff offers therapy services and spiritual direction from a faithful Catholic perspective.

Pastoral counselors, therapists and spiritual directors are all trained to help, and all three offer hope.

Marriage counseling at Integrity Counseling Services

What does the Bible say about Marriage?

By Cindy Dowling, M.A., L.M.F.T. — As a Marriage and Family Therapist, I am always exploring different modalities and therapeutic techniques to apply in sessions with couples. As a Catholic Marriage and Family Therapist, the foundation of how I look at a marriage is based on biblical Truth. When I see Catholic and/or Christian clients, I can apply that Truth to whatever therapeutic approach I am using. I decided on this topic for an article to dive deeper and learn more about biblical Truths regarding marriage. Join me in my exploration.

It is important to understand what the Bible says about marriage and how we should treat our spouse, and it helps me to think about how I can apply the knowledge therapeutically. The first reference to marriage in the Bible is in Genesis 2:24: “Therefore shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall cleave unto his wife, and they shall be one flesh.” When you look at where this passage appears in the Bible, it is directly before the serpent deceives Eve into eating the forbidden fruit. An outside party — “the serpent” — coerced Eve to eat the fruit from the tree of knowledge. As a couple, if they had come together and had a conversation and made the decision together, who knows what the end of the story might be? When it comes to big decisions in a marriage, it is so important for a couple to unite and decide based on their Truth, what is best for them as “one flesh.” We also see from this passage that Eve put her personal desires over her faith and marriage. She knew that God had told Adam in Genesis 17 not to eat fruit from the tree, yet she trusted the serpent over God and Adam. This passage dovetails perfectly with something that I was taught: In a marriage, faith should come first, then the married couple, next would be the children, and finally family and friends.

Biblical reference to Faith being first can be found in Matthew 22:37-38: “Jesus said unto him, Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind. This is the first and greatest commandment.” I always remember the saying “a couple that prays together stays together.” A study by Brad Wilcox, a University of Virginia sociologist, found that statistics show those who regularly attend religious services are 47% less likely to divorce. With the staggering rate of divorce in America, this is an important thing to consider.

There are many references in the Bible about how we should treat others. What does it say about how a husband should treat his wife? (Ephesians 5:25-26) “Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church and gave himself up for it; That he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word.” My interpretation of this is Christ laid down his life for His Church. Jesus said his Church was not a building but made of a body of people. So, then it is important to explore how Jesus loved and treated the Church and His believers. We know He gave His life for the Church; the other question is how did He treat the Apostles, and other people mentioned in the Bible? Through Scripture, we know Jesus washed the Apostles’ feet, broke bread with them, attended weddings with them, and healed them. He forgave them, loved them, and cast out demons. Jesus had righteous anger when He saw the Pharisees had (Mark 3:5 ) “Hardness of their Hearts” when He healed a withered hand on the Sabbath, and when people defiled his Father’s house selling in the Temple. In John 11:35, “Jesus wept,” out of compassion for Martha, Mary and the others mourning Lazarus’ death. He lead by example, and He taught others how to be better people through His Word. He taught them how to grow closer to God. He remained quiet when He was falsely accused. When He was lashed, crowned with thorns, made to carry a cross, yelled at, mocked, and crucified, He remained stoic. He did not yell. He did not act out. (Luke 23:3) “Then said Jesus, Father, forgive them: for they know not what they do.” WOW! That is powerful. We are not perfect, but as a Christians, our goal is to be Christ-like and do our best to live like Him. Did you know that it is said in the Bible that if husbands are not considerate and respectful to their wives, their prayers can be hindered? (1 Peter 3:7) “Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel; and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered.” I wonder how many prayers of husbands are being hindered because they are not honoring their wives or treating them the way the Bible teaches.

How should wives treat their husbands? It is written in Ephesians 5:22: “Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church; and he is the Savior of the body.” This line of the Bible causes so much controversy. Some men try to use this to say they should be a dictator and control their wife/family. However, as we read above that is NOT how Christ treated people. In fact, in the same verse in Ephesians 5:28-29, it is said: “So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself.” This all makes sense since husband and wife become joined as one flesh when they are married. So, women are meant to respect their husbands and, when a wife is loved the way Christ loves His Church, that respect comes easily. When they ran out of wine at the wedding feast at Cana, Jesus’ mother said to the servants (John 2:5) “Whatever He says to you, do it.” I feel that how Mary acted in this moment, trusting Jesus to make the right decision is a great example of letting a man you love know you trust and respect their decision making. (1 Corinthians 11:11-12) “Nevertheless neither is the man without the woman, neither the woman without the man, in the Lord.” This passage can confirm a mutual dependence and equal worth, showing God made each gender in unity and love to complement each other.

There are many Bible verses that are clear about treating others the way we want to be treated. In Ephesians 5:21, it is written: “Submitting yourselves one to another in the fear of God.” That said, what I have taken away from my research and reading is simply this: Husbands and wives should both treat each other with respect. As John 15:12 states, “My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you.” We also know the second greatest commandment is to “Love thy neighbor as thyself.”

Thank you for joining me in my deep dive into some of the many verses in the Bible that discuss marriage and family. Please understand this is my own interpretation of The Word, and how it resonates with me. I am not a biblical scholar. If you have a different understanding or view, I respect it fully. I am a therapist and have been married for 19 years. No marriage is perfect. I believe the Bible is the Truth we all need to learn to teach us how to show up in relationships, how to treat others, and how to be more Christ-like every day. As said in John 8:31-32: “Jesus the said to those Jews who believed in him, “If you remain in my word, you will truly be my disciples, and you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.”

New Year’s Resolution S.M.A.R.T. Goals

By Anna Pecoraro, Ph.D. — If you are reading this, chances are that you have a New Year’s Resolution. Unfortunately — as we all know — many of these resolutions end up not happening. But when they do, great things can occur.

It is best to start small and use a S.M.A.R.T. Goal framework, to be successful. Here are some practical steps:

There are a number of areas in which you could set a goal for yourself. Some of these include: personal, emotional, financial, social, physical/exercise, job and educational.
Ask yourself: What do I need to do the most? And, what am I most likely to actually do? (The answers may not be the same!)
It’s OK to choose the goal that you are most likely to do. (However, if you really want to address a ‘big’ goal that you are not likely to do, break it up into small steps. Start with a step that you think that you would actually do.)
Make your goal into a S.M.A.R.T. Goal:

Specific: Be very specific and precise. Here is an example for the domain of exercise: Improve my core and back by doing sit-ups every day for the next 30 days starting today.

Measurable: How would I measure this? I could say that I am going to do 10 sit-ups per day, every day of the week before getting into bed at night. I could keep track of it on a calendar.

Achievable/Attainable: 10 sit-ups per day are very attainable for most people.

Relevant: Sit-ups are very relevant to having a healthy core and a healthy back.

Time-Bound: The goal is bound by time in two ways: every day, for 30 days. When the 30 days are up, I can set another goal with sit-ups, etc.

Integrity Counseling Services - A.I. Article

We are Irreplaceable

By Michael Kastelnik, Psy.D. — We are in the midst of large technological changes in our society. In the past, I have remarked about the ubiquity of electronics in our lives, and suggested ways to limit exposure to such technology for the sake of mental health. While the suggestion stands to aim for incorporating electronics in our lives in a healthy and balanced way, taking such steps may not prevent what is about to happen in our society and impact many aspects of our lives.

We have already been witnessing the smart phone becoming a one-stop shop for facilitating the provision of human needs short of actually feeding, clothing and sheltering people. As prevalent as this current so-called smart technology is, the next generation will most assuredly be more ubiquitous — and even invasive — such as through wearable or implanted devices. This will no doubt have implications for our attention span, health and relationships.

There is a buzz these days about the glories of artificial intelligence, or A.I. Generative A.I. will be involved in the creation of much content. As a consequence, some people may begin to accept a blending of real and imaginary images, sounds and even concepts in a sort of hyperreality, while others may become skeptical of most or everything they have come to know and believe. Assuredly, many will take for granted the access to quick answers for simple straightforward questions. But not all questions in life are simple. “How is my relationship with God these days?” or “Am I called to priesthood or marriage?” or “What is the significance of this particular suffering that God is allowing in my life?” This is where we need to remember our humanity and the gift of reason rather than depending solely on data.

Some are saying that A.I. in conjunction with robotics will take over many of the tasks that people normally do. In the best-case scenario, we are being promised a world where we don’t have to worry about the necessities of life such as manual labor but we can rather focus on activities such as leisure. As appealing as this scenario may sound, the issue of automation raises the concern about the elimination of jobs and the displacement laborers in the workforce. This could devastate many people who place a lot of significance in their work that they enjoy, by which they feed their households, in which they excel, or in which they find meaning for their lives. I am aware of St. Paul’s admonition to the Thessalonians that those who don’t work shall not eat. We must bring our Christian values to bear on a situation where many people may become unemployed or underemployed as a consequence of technological developments in society.

As human beings with infinite dignity, we all have intrinsic value that cannot be diminished regardless of our job status. That being said, while more jobs are threatened with automation and therefore elimination, there are things we can do to help ourselves. We can attempt to demonstrate our value to our bosses or to our customers by “selling ourselves” just a little better and showing just how necessary our work is and how indispensable we are. We may learn a few more skills to make our case even stronger. The adage “You get what you pay for” comes to mind, as cost efficiency is one of the selling points of A.I. and robotics. In the event that our jobs go away, we can rely on internal resources like our relationship with the Lord and tap into our own resilience such as by creatively brainstorming all of our resources, human connections and opportunities. This is your right and responsibility- — you cannot be replaced.

The Difference Between Excuses and Explanations

By Gian Milles, M.S. — I sometimes have people come into my office saying they “don’t like excuses.” “This is great! Me neither,” I usually retort. However, it can be a problem when people conflate “excuses” with “explanations.” I see this when people respond to my questions of “why?” (e.g., Why did you use alcohol for years despite the harm that it caused you and your family?) by stating that they “don’t like excuses.”

I respond by telling them that the difference between excuses and explanations may be subtle, but in reality, they are completely different. Put simply, excuses are used to avoid taking personal responsibility for a wrong action. They may include truthful information, but they always misuse it. The subtext is usually “it wasn’t my fault.” For example, someone might say, “I used alcohol because my wife was not intimate with me as often as I wanted.” It may be true that your wife was not intimate with you as much as you’d like, but it is not her fault that you used alcohol. We can be influenced by circumstances and other people, but we cannot be controlled by them. Of course, there are certain exceptions, such as if a person is threatened or coerced into a certain action, in which case they bear little to no culpability for their action.

On the contrary, explanations are thoroughly rooted in facts, context or circumstances. They admit guilt while still telling the full picture of what happened. An example here is: “When I am away on business, I often wind up drinking.” This presents the fact of using in the context of a situation where the person likely feels lonely while refraining from blaming someone or something for their actions.

Excuses keep us stuck. They put the blame on someone or something we cannot control. They do not offer freedom and hope for a way forward with a better outcome. Conversely, explanations help us grow in self-understanding and self-awareness. They help us develop insight as to how we got to a certain place in our lives where we did something that caused ourselves and our loved ones significant harm. Excuses make things less clear, while explanations make them clearer.

This insight is a necessary ingredient for change. When we do not understand how something happened, we cannot take the required steps to make sure those circumstances do not happen again. Excuses rob us of the ability to change for the better, while explanations are tools that allow us to forge a new way marked by integrity, wholeness and love. They allow us to repair the harm we have caused and prevent it from happening again. They are our ticket to a better future.

We have a God of second chances. No matter what we have done, the opportunity for change and reconciliation is available to us. We only need the courage to take it.

Managing Everything But Time

By Michael Kastelnik, Psy.D. – “Time management” is a funny phrase. To see what I mean, take the concept of management as largely understood in a business context. Companies all over the world spend a lot of time and effort to make sure their laborers can get the job done. Sometimes the mere presence of managers helps to keep people honest and ensure they are actually working and not slacking off or engaging in some other activity that is bad for business. This all makes sense with managing people that you can influence, but it makes less sense with such an invaluable yet intangible resource such as time. Nevertheless, there are other aspects of our lives over which we have more obvious control, albeit some of us more than others. I’m talking about things such as energy, stress and attention.

Like with many aspects of life, managing energy levels is relevant to the conversation. As such, any advice on improving time management will include the usual components of self-care such as proper diet, exercise or comparable activity, adequate sleep, maintaining wholesome relationships and stress management. In fact, stress management is a complex skill in itself and it may be fundamental to time management inasmuch as you need to have just the right amount of arousal to complete a task, according to the Yerkes-Dodson model of productivity. Too little concern for a task will literally get you nowhere, while too much concern can lead to progressively worse outcomes. Mistakes can occur. Burnout is an outcome when people are putting in more effort with no more output in the product. And, of course, health problems occur in the short term and over time when people get too stressed. Physiology is simple enough to regulate with activities such as slow, deep breathing or jumping jacks, while mental stress relief may involve something like journaling about concerns.

Attention is another resource that may require more discipline to regulate. We all tend to focus on things we find interesting and space out on boring tasks. Becoming your own behavioral therapist and limiting the interesting things to serve as a reward for the more mundane tasks could not only help you get your work done but could also build a resistance to forming unbalanced habits with things that exploit our attention, such as electronic devices.

In addition to short-term tactics to stay on task, it is also necessary to step back and make sure we are balancing efficiency, the ability to do tasks using less time, money or energy, with effectiveness, which is a positive contribution to our goals.

For example, let’s say you have a goal to build a stone wall on the front of your property. If you know you have a lot of large stones in your backyard, you may decide to start by gathering those stones and bringing them to the other side in the most efficient way possible. You could figure out how to reduce the likelihood of injury by lifting the rocks with a certain technique. You might utilize a simple machine, such a wheelbarrow, to do it quickly with simple machines like a wheelbarrow. You may be tempted to feel so proud of your method that you move the rocks to the backyard again because you can. Maybe that last activity sounds far fetched, but the point is that if the emphasis falls too much on efficiency, you may lose sight of other important things such as implementing the rest of the steps needed to complete the wall, maintaining it, and having a rationale why you are building it that you can instill in your children, who could in turn maintain or improve the wall when their time comes. The point of this example is to show how we need the ability to pause from our work periodically or even regularly to make sure we are growing in virtue and working towards worthwhile goals and not simply keeping busy.

So, what can we do if managing our time seems like such a complex task? We can pray that the Holy Ghost enable us to use His gifts such as wisdom. We can ask for counsel from respected elders and mentors on how to grow in prudence regarding particular problems we would like to solve. We can start where we are and acknowledge what we have some control over, such as self-care and attention, as well as those that we don’t control and could therefore benefit from avoiding worrying about, such as the passage of time. This is the Serenity Prayer in action. While we may not control time, there is a lot we all can do to make the most of it.

Having a Healthy Mind, Body and Spirit: What Does that Really Mean?

By Cindy Dowling, M.A., L.M.F.T. — How many times have you heard the importance of having a healthy mind, body and spirit to live your life to the fullest? It is something that I share the importance of with my clients. You may be wondering what exactly that means. Read on . . .

A healthy mind is the ability to maintain emotional balance, cognitive clarity and mental resilience. A state of mind where you have control or authority over the negative thoughts that pop into your head daily. Studies have shown we have over 6,000 thoughts a day. Those thoughts affect our actions and reactions to situations and people in our lives. When one lets their thoughts cause them to get stuck in the past (past regrets/mistakes/ losses/failures) it leads to depression. When one lets their thoughts lead to over-thinking fears of the future, a person can suffer from anxiety. A healthy mind also includes emotional stability, the ability to process and express feelings in a healthy way, and the capacity to adapt to change or adversity. Finally, maintaining a healthy mind means taking care of your emotional needs, setting boundaries, and nurturing your sense of self-worth and purpose.

To maintain a healthy body there are many avenues to explore. Your diet should be full of nutritious, minimally processed foods including a healthy supply of fruits and vegetables. If you typically eat healthy, you will know when you eat something unhealthy because you can feel it in how your body functions. It’s like putting the wrong fuel in your car and then it just doesn’t run the way it should. You should exercise regularly. When you exercise, your body naturally produces endorphins which help regulate your body’s response to stress and anxiety, and contribute to a feeling of overall well-being. Sleep (7-9 hours a night) and hydration are also important pieces to having a healthy body. Finally, avoiding unhealthy habits such as smoking/vaping, drinking alcohol and drug use is important.

A healthy spirit would include having a sense of inner peace and being confident in your religious values and practices. A healthy spirit is nurtured with a disciplined prayer life that encompasses gratitude, compassion and self-reflection. It would include a personal relationship with God that instills a sense of belonging to the body of Christ and a deeper meaning for life.

Working to maintain a healthy mind, body and spirit can help keep you functioning in an optimal condition and enhance your overall quality of life. If you feel you are lacking or struggling in one of these areas and may need the help of a mental health practitioner, please give our office a call to set up a consultation with one of our therapists. God bless.

Death by Distraction

By Deborah Rojas, MA, Integrity Counseling Services — Could you handle a few technology-free days? No phone, no laptop, no music — power down the technological devices, and not because the word “vice” is in “device.” Stillness and true quiet are necessary for contemplation, the time and space for getting to know God and ourselves in relationship to Him. Contemplation is impossible when we are distracting ourselves to death.

I recently went on my first silent retreat at a convent. The hospitality of the sisters set the stage for a few days of prayer and rest, and the natural order and rhythm of the contemplative life provided a technology-free, sacred space to pray. Other than Mass and the Daily Office, I was left to myself with nothing that I had to do.

On an ordinary day, the tasks of the moment rule. It was in this space of having no tasks and freedom from technological distraction that I was able to be with God and get to know myself better. Different parts were able to emerge because I slowed down. Some of the parts that came forward are parts that I don’t like or would rather avoid but need love and the healing mercy of God.

In therapy, we often have to learn how to see ourselves before we can begin to do interior work. When parts of ourselves make us uncomfortable, the natural instinct is avoidance. This is easy with distractions like social media or video games. However, some distractions are internal: daydreaming, fantasies, worrisome obsessions, or over-spiritualization, for example, and more challenging to navigate.

When Jesus encountered suffering, he walked, not away, but towards it! He had compassion. He saw, and he had compassion. Then the healing began. I am grateful to work with the Great Physician and walk towards others who are suffering. It is much harder to embrace my own wounded parts. This might be one of the reasons why I love counseling so much!

I would rather distract, avoid and turn away from painful realities in my heart. This is not the pathway to life and love. Rather, it is death by distraction. Friends, make the meaningful effort to look up, look within and share the loving, compassionate gaze of Christ with each other. If it is too difficult to do on your own, seek the help of a qualified counselor to see you and walk with you. May Jesus grant you healing in your relationships and a flourishing life this Easter season.

Difficult Conversations

By Cynthia G. Dowling, MA, LMFT, Integrity Counseling Services — Many clients come to me experiencing anxiety after exploring relationships in their lives, whether they are personal, work or community-based. Together we often find that they are feeling stuck in certain aspects of their lives because of a fear of having difficult conversations. Very few people enjoy hurting someone they love and care about. This fear or apprehension — holding one back from having a difficult conversation — can lead to feelings of anxiety, resentment and frustration. Identifying strategies for having these important conversations can lessen anxiety and increase the likelihood of people overcoming their fear.

Here are strategies I’ve outlined below:

Be mindful of your approach. Choosing your words thoughtfully, and making sure you speak in a kind tone, can start your conversation in the right direction. If one starts a conversation in an angry, frustrated or blaming tone, the other person will immediately feel defensive.

Stay on topic. Think about what you are hoping to accomplish in your conversation. Then, decide what your talking points will be and stay focused on them. During this process keep in mind what you feel you need to say to feel heard. Make sure to only bring up one or two topics in the conversation. More than that could cause the person you are confronting to feel overwhelmed and attacked.

Refrain from insults or putting the other person down. Whatever the issue is, it is causing you to feel a certain way. Make sure to speak using “I” statements, owning your feelings. “I” statements are a helpful way to take responsibility for how you feel or what you believe, and they help the listener to not feel blamed.

Think about possible outcomes. What would be the best-case scenario for the outcome of the conversation? What could be the worst? Know that the outcome will most likely be in the middle of the two scenarios.

In person vs. a letter/email. Sometimes people feel they can be more to the point and less emotional by writing a letter or email vs. an in-person conversation. A letter/email can also be helpful if the person you need to speak to has a history of being reactive or defensive. The downside of this option is the possibility that you won’t receive a response.

Be open to compromise and hearing the other person’s perspective. Having difficult conversations opens us up to receiving feedback that could be positive or negative. Having knowledge of this going into the conversation is important. It is important to be open to finding a compromise moving forward. Having the ability to see our own imperfections or faults is hard; however, it is part of the process of growing and healing.

Having difficult conversations can be scary. The reality is the conversation will never go exactly as planned and that is OK. If you are holding back from addressing an issue and it is resulting in anxiety or frustration, it is important to vocalize what has been bothering you. The more you have these difficult conversations, the easier they become. Speaking the truth to someone in a kind and respectful way can result in feeling as if a weight has been lifted off you. The results of speaking your truth can be life changing.

Words Matter

By Michael Kastelnik, M.S. — If you follow current events, you will inevitably hear about people getting in trouble for saying the wrong thing. The people involved either wittingly or unwittingly violated some rule, usually a specific company policy, but many times that rule was generally informed by social norms from some vague time in the past. The remedy usually involves a public apology and re-education about the rules and/or termination from employment or other contractual ties.

We must strive to use language properly. But keeping a job isn’t even the main reason to discern what to say and how to say it. What we tell ourselves and other people matters greatly for determining what we believe about the world and ourselves. Once we have this understanding, we can use our speech to relate to others. Then, we can see the power of speech as we relate to others, such as if we give someone a compliment or call them a bad name. Of course, the context matters, such as the relationship and the tone. Prayer is another example of the power of words. In the Catholic Church, priests give blessings and perform Sacraments. Their words indicate the intention of their souls and effect the change as Christ imparts His grace to live in union with Him.

While our words can cause change in the outside world, our mental self-talk can impact our inner state for better or worse. In his Introduction to the Science of Mental Health, Fr. Chad Ripperger reminds readers that one of the main goals of psychotherapy is to get the client back in touch with reality. This is true for everyone and not just those understood to be suffering from hallucinations or delusions. If someone is suffering from emotional pain, it may be something God wants him or her to embrace for the sake of healing and growing, but the suffering could also be due to an incomplete understanding of his or her circumstances or a habitual way of viewing their life. An example from the perspective of cognitive behavioral therapy, or CBT, a popular modality in psychotherapy today, is the view that sadness and anxiousness are rooted in distorted self-beliefs, which could be thought of as phrases such as “I am unlovable.” Taking stock of one’s life and talking through issues can be a good way to clarify the situation and move in the direction of problem-solving. Again, it is important to make sure our words are as close to reality as possible to identify the source of our personal problems most effectively.

While words have an inner and outer effect, they also have a cause. The words are a manifestation of an inner reality that is composed of memories of previous experiences, beliefs, as well as physiological states such as hunger. Using your own experience as an example, you can usually tell a lot about a person about what they say and how they say it, notwithstanding examples of skillful acting or lying. Of course, there is a mutual relationship between what we tell ourselves and what we believe. Whether that is a vicious or virtuous cycle depends upon the message. The good news is that we can change some of these words and beliefs. Based on psychology class lessons from the late Fr. Steve Dougherty, who taught me the acronym CRAPS (cognitive, relational, affective, physical, and spiritual, with emphasis on the problems if you leave out the “S”), I will start with “S” and reveal some of the strategies I sometimes discuss with clients regarding proper use of speech with themselves and others:

Spiritual: pray, sometimes using the method of lectio divina

Cognitive (conscious mental processes): read books to learn helpful strategies for life’s problems, write in a journal to increase self-awareness, and create to-do lists as a first step in prioritizing your tasks

Relational: take your own side by using kind words assertive language I-statements, not aggressive

Affective (pertaining to emotions): try to identify how you are feeling, why, and what you can do to change your emotional state, if necessary

Physical: tell yourself and state intentions to others regarding eating, sleeping and exercise

Use your words wisely — they matter.