By Cindy Dowling, M.A., L.M.F.T. — Forgiving others is one the most difficult things we must do as Christians. It can also free us from a psychological perspective. Combining the spiritual aspect of forgiveness with the psychological aspect can lead to great healing. Many people have suffered greatly at the hands of others. I’ve seen the mere thought of forgiving someone, when they have been deeply hurt, cause one to cry, become angry, and/or emotionally shut down. When I talk about forgiveness, I do not mean to be dismissive of your pain. That is real. Forgiveness is part of the healing process. There are many important places to explore when it comes to forgiveness. For instance, how does holding on to past hurts affect us physically, spiritually and emotionally.
Holding a grudge can lead to many negative physical manifestations including but not limited to stress, headaches, insomnia, heart disease, high blood pressure, increased mental health issues, upset stomachs, etc.
As for how forgiveness affects us spiritually, in the bible, there are many references to forgiveness and how important it is for us. Matthew 6:14-15: “For if you forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.” Also, in Matthew you can find the ‘Parable of the Unforgiving Servant.’
I love my house when it has just been cleaned. There is just something wonderful about clean floors, no dust, everything in its place that gives me a sense of peace and happiness. I compare a clean house to cleansing your soul with forgiveness.
I recently had a friend say to me, “If I forgive her, I’m letting her off the hook.” To which I said, “You aren’t letting her off the hook, you are getting rid of the hook she has in you. You need to take the hook of anger and resentment out, so it doesn’t continue to hurt you and hold you down.” By forgiving, you set yourself free emotionally. This doesn’t mean you are saying what the other person did is okay or that you need to allow them in your life to continue to hurt you. It means you are releasing the last of their control over you.
Many times, our interactions with people in our lives today unknowingly may trigger a wound from our past and we may react to them based on the past wound rather than the current situation. Ask yourself, how is this past wound showing up in my current relationship? Is it affecting the way I trust or treat my family, my spouse, my children? How will forgiving the wound and releasing the hurt affect my emotional reactions moving forward?
How can you truly heal these childhood wounds? One way is to invite the Holy Spirit into your heart and soul and ask Him to show you wounds from your childhood from which you have not healed. Take time each day to think about these memories and ask Jesus to heal those wounded parts and help you to forgive the person who hurt you.
It is important to also think about the negative things you started to tell yourself when this wound occurred and recognize these negative thoughts are not true. Make sure you also take time to forgive yourself. Many times, we go to confession to ask for God’s forgiveness, but we don’t forgive ourselves. It is just as important to forgive ourselves as it is to forgive others.
If you need more help healing from these past hurts, talk to a priest or therapist to help you process these wounds and truly forgive, so that you can begin to live your life free of resentments and/or grudges.
